Christmas

It makes me laugh about things that always seem to happen but all you really remember are the bad things not the good. Especially around the holidays. you always remember what you didnt get that year and why it seems like no one ever pays attention enough to you. that nothing is good because you didnt get that one thing that you truly wanted. Its like everyone forgot about the love that is behind everything that was given.

This year has been different in so many ways to me. I have seen from my eyes how when you are around people you love how not feeling complete really can make you realize how good you have had it before. Poor Kurt hasnt seen his son in 4 months and had already put it in his head that he wasnt going to be seeing him for christmas this year. You could tell on thanksgiving that it wasnt really complete. that even though he had a smile on his face and was laughing and playing around with his family that his heart was really breaking on the inside. it really gets to you knowing that there is nothing you can do to mend someone you loves heart. so i did everything i could think of to hope that maybe just maybe he could get him for christmas. i prayed every second of the day. i told myself that i would buy him gifts for christmas and put a stocking up for him. do everything to make it seem like he would be here so that maybe God and the universe would make it happen. that i was doing my part in it but i just needed a little help on their end to actually complete the wish. So yesterday i went out to the mall and to walmart. i got them both stocking stuffers and jaden some times. nothing fancy but fun stuff he would enjoy even when he gets a little older. the whole time wishing and hoping and praying some more that Kurts one wish this christmas would come true. Funny to my surprise that something worked. As i was leaving walmart i got a text from kurt saying that his ex sent him a message saying that he could pick him up on christmas. you could just tell there was a light back in his eyes again. that he was smiling his big smile. that he knew that this year would be a real christmas for him because he would have him for christmas.

It just makes you rethink everything that has gone on. makes you more grateful for hope and God and everything around you. Knowing that someones wish actually did come true this christmas. Knowing that a smile would be on his face. He would have a kick in his step again. Really just shows that... sometimes the things that are most precious in your life is a smile or a laugh or anything that you would least expect. makes you more thankful that someones christmas will be an amazing one because that laugh and smile and hug that will happen will be better then any other gift in the whole world. The holidays are a funny thing. People always just think about what you can get them money wise and how you are going to pay for it all. But Kurts christmas came true with no money needed. He got his christmas miracle.

So i had a dream saturday about the organization im trying to start for jared. it was a weird dream but made me think that it would be a good idea to do. so im back to trying to find a logo for it but i think i have an idea of what i want compared to going in without an idea. we will see what happens. i think it will work out pretty cool if i can find something close to what i want and then make the adjustments that are needed. i was thinking of doing a sword thru a heart (for the hole in hearts part) but instead of just one heart do multiple and that way it kind of shows that one action can effect lots of hearts. thats my goal anyways. i have some other ideas of how im going to try to make some money for it too but im not exactly sure how to do that one yet. not going to say that part yet until i know for sure how to do it LOL. always jinx myself by telling stuff to early. im hoping that i can get everything up and running soon. i think that will help the feeling i keep getting that there are things that i have that i have given up dream wise. i think this dream is my chance to prove that i can still do it. to me that is the biggest dream i have had since he died but could never really figure out how to do it. so maybe that was the whole point of the actual dream i had. to point me in the right direction on what to do. that my mind actually knew what it wanted but didnt want to tell me just yet. :)

got me to think about thanksgiving and family. it makes me laugh because the family i call family isnt really family at all but they are to me in my heart. im thankful for everything that is in my life right now and it just seems like for once that i dont really have to worry or stress over anything. that its just easy going and happiness. im thankful for all my family blood or not. i have so many people that have been there for me with a lot of things and some have left but the few that are left are the few that im glad that are still around. i have come to know a new family. one that i actually feel welcome at and that i am actually wanted there. maybe its just my mind set but it makes me more thankful for the holidays. i know the last few i havent really wanted anything to do with them because i just didnt feel like i belonged or was wanted around. i dont know. but i feel like this year will be different. last year wasnt to bad i loved actually doing the cooking and having something i made for myself. i guess i am becoming some what of a loner if i liked that huh. i dont know just the quiet and able to just relax and watch movies was something i needed.

i hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving and that your time with your family is so very wonderful.

Fate

So today i have come to realize a few things. Fate is a funny thing. It comes at a time that you never expect it. But you have to take it with everything that it is. You have to accept that things happen for a reason and that you might not know the reason right now but you will and even if you dont the path you are suppose to be on is what led you to this point.

It comes to my next point. I had a wonderful weekend with the man i love. We havent been out in so long but we went out to a movie and then to a wonderful dinner at lone star. We saw the movie due date. It was very funny and very good. Its funny the more people i see or movies i watch or places i go... i realize how much i truly love him and how much he truly means to me in my life. he is truly one of a kind. he is the best man that i have ever met. he is going thru so much right now but he stays so strong and keeps his chin up. he is a true hero... maybe not to everyone else but to me he is. he is an amazing man and he does everything he can to make everyone else happy even with all that is going on with him. you cant be more wonderful then that. that is only an one of a kind man right there. not many of those left and i got one of the very few that are. I thank God for him every day. he sent him to me at the best time and the time that i needed him the most i just didnt know it at the time how much i really needed him. i really dont know what i would do without him. he makes my world so complete and he amazes me so much. its amazing to me how much i really am myself again since he has been a part of my life and how much i have changed. a change that has been needed but has never really come but was very much needed.

people say that life flashes before your eyes before you die. i dont think thats the only time that that happens. i think your life flashes through your eyes when good things happen and when you think about everything that has ever happened. you see everything that has happened and makes you wonder about why things happen but the more you look at it the more you realize why they do.

bad things happen to good people all the time... things that when you hear about it it just breaks your heart. but whats funny is you never see behind the scenes or what happens afterwards. when you do you see the real person, you see how hurt they really are and how strong they can be even with everything that has happened. people get their families taken away from them but only a few keep their heads up and shows that they are strong enough to handle it. that they will do everything they can to make it so they have their family back but they dont let it get them down. they just try and every time they fail they just try harder. everyone can learn from people like this.

brings me to the next point. you hear all the time about relationships or friendships or lives in general getting left behind because of something that happens in someones past. its hard to let go of the past. letting go the past most people think is letting go of who they are. who they have become because of it. and then its even harder to let go of all the heart breaks that occur especially when some people seem like they have more then others. but i have come to learn that its not about the heartbreaks. its not about who or what broke your heart or how many times it has happened. its about how you react to the heart break and the people or things that happened with it. its more about finding the person that no matter how many heart breaks you might have had in your past and even the ones that you might get in your future. its about having the person that even though they might break your heart on occasion they try like hell to repair it to better then it was. those are the people or things to keep around. the past happened for a reason and you shouldnt want to change anything about it because it has made you into the person you are today but you shouldnt let your past continue into your present or your future. if you let it continue you will never become who you are truly meant to be but stay the person you are. the whole point of life is to live and learn... not to dwell on what you know and the unknown. everything does happen for a reason and you might not know the reason but you have to keep your chin up and know that no matter what happens the present is what is written not your future. thats why its called the future... it can be changed whenever you see is best and only you can make the life you want... you just might have people around you to help you figure it all out.

LOVE

Its funny this weekend i have thought a lot about that word... LOVE. what is love? does it really consist on fighting and pushing people away? or is it just all in our heads? I remember when i was little i would go around and ask everyone what that word meant. all i remember is fairy tales and prince charmings and happily ever afters. to me that is what love was. i would find someone and just know and that would be it. but reality... thats not what love is is it? prince charming and fairy tales... maybe that is just a bad way to look at it. maybe that makes us think that if its not that way then it isnt true love or it isnt real. but thats not true is it. true love isnt fairy tales its what you make of it.

back to what i was saying. so the answers i always got when i was little about what love is were always answers like... when you can sit with them for hours and just enjoy the presence of their company. when you look at them and just know that is what you want in your life because without them you know you wouldnt be happy. but to me even those things are wrong. life isnt easy why should love? sometimes you have thoughts that are terrible and it makes you think you are a terrible person for thinking them. thinking things like they are going to leave because they are just to good for you... or thinking that how could they be happy with me when i never do anything right?

i am one of those people that do that. i always think of the bad instead of the good. but this weekend... this weekend has got me thinking about that. thinking why do we fight? why do we yell and scream at the people that we love? why do we think that once bad things start that is how its going to be the rest of the time that it cant be real if that is the way it is? but that isnt true.

so my answer to the question what is love? the answer is there is no correct answer. love is what you make it. my answer to this is the person you are comfortable with. the person that when they kiss you your whole world falls apart and all that is left is the happiness you feel of just being next to them... being in their arms. the feeling that no matter how many fights that you might have you just know that the person you are with... that person is the person you want for the rest of your life. the difference between true love and everything else.... the difference is how you feel and how that person can change how you look at life and how you look at yourself. how you just know that your life isnt complete without them.

the person i have found... is that person for me. he makes me whole world better. he makes me feel like no matter what has happened in my past my present is more important. that no matter what happens... my life isnt complete without him in it. that no matter the doubts i might have it really isnt because of him or the things he does. that its my past and that if i dont let go of my past i could lose the future i want, the one i need.

so maybe the past makes you who you are but the present helps you become who will be. that is more important. because without your present you will never become who you are truly meant to be. some things you have to let go of. the things that have hurt you... you have to let go of. because hurt stays with you and it effects your surroundings. it effects on how you look at life... how you look at love. so why continue to let the hurt overwhelm you? what good does that really do? it doesnt do anything good... all you do is make the person that you love leave because they dont feel like they should be around... that you dont want them around.

so the advice that im going to follow from now on is that hurt comes and it goes. things happen for a reason and you really dont know what that reason is.. but when you find someone that is so beautiful inside and out... and they show you that life is beautiful. that is someone you want to keep around. that is someone that is important. because no matter the bad things that may happen... your world doesnt become complete if they are not by your side. so let go of the hurt from your past... because it will effect your present and your future.

i love kurt so much because he is that person. no matter what happens he is there. he makes me see that life no matter how bad it can get... a new day means that all that hurt is in your past. that today is today. he is more wonderful then anything i have ever known. i have a lot of hurt in my life but i have realized that he makes it go away. that he makes it better. the hurt isnt there any more because its not important.

that his smile makes me smile. his kiss makes my world fall away and all i feel is the love that surrounds my heart and how i feel about him. he makes me better. he makes my world complete. so maybe fairy tales arent real. maybe they are just something we want to look forward to when we are little but the thing about life... is maybe you get lucky and you find your own fairy tale. not like the ones in the books or movies but the real fairy tales. the ones where you do fight and hurt each other. the ones that life isnt perfect to people that might be looking in... but to you they are because without those things the love that makes your world complete isnt really love. its the kind of love that happily ever after comes from. because since life isnt simple love cant either. so prince charming may not be charming or the knight and shining armor might just be in tin foil but the funny thing about all that is to you... they are real. love is real. that is the difference! and i have found my everything. God gave him to me the moment i needed him the most. the moment that was right because any sooner i wouldnt have realized the greatness of this wonderful man. how amazing he is and how it affects everyone around him. he is my one and only. i have been searching for and the moment i stopped is the moment he found me.

Halloween

So halloween is just a few days away. Kurt and i are thinking of going out somewhere and doing stuff so i need to figure out what i want to be lol. i havent really done halloween. last year i did because a friend wanted me to go out with her so she would have some company. i was princess laia from star wars... i know i probably spelled that wrong. but this year im just not sure. we have to dress up the one day that i have to go into work and i dont have anything to wear.

im still having a lot of health problems. the Lord has helped me in so many ways though. he has helped me find people to be able to pay my bills since im not working. i only have been working 4 hours a week. it kills me to work... the pain is unbearable and nothing seems to work. but i am getting by but im thanking the lord for helping me in this time of need.

its funny this morning got me thinking of the holidays that are coming up. its like after halloween the big holidays come. its crazy to think of how fast this year has gone by. you got thanksgiving and then christmas. so many people enjoy the holidays and enjoy the time with family. its so wonderful. but it got me thinking about last year. i did stuff for me. i had thanksgiving by myself and i did christmas by myself. it wasnt terrible like people said. if i learned anything from it... its that sometimes doing things for yourself helps you better know yourself and helps you grow. it made me thankful for everything that has happened and remember that being alone isnt always bad... that sometimes being alone is better then being with someone. it makes you more thankful for what you have at the moment instead of what you dont. especially now i understand that better then i have my whole life. with everything that has gone on in the past years... the last few months have shown me that even if you dont know you have God beside you that he is there just in case. i have been so upset at myself and at Him for taking jared away but i think im starting to understand now that even though i have been mad at him and i dont pray like i should that he is still there. i guess that is my wake up call.

thats something else that is coming up quick. jareds birthday was the 23rd of this month. it really got me thinking of what would be different if he was still here. what would he look like? where would he be in life if he was still alive? the anniversary of his death always sneaks up on me. it always makes me think about my life and how thankful i am that he was such a big part of it even though it was only for a short time. that short time is what changed my life forever. its weird to me but it still feels like yesterday. people say over time that it will start feeling better. funny to me because after 9 years it still feels the same. i still miss him but i think i always will. i think about things and how different everything might be. but i still thank God for him. he was so amazing and was always the person i looked up to. every day i wish i could be half the person he was. i just hope that i can be that. some days i really see him as my guardian angel. i know most people dont really believe in that but i do. days that something bad happens and it could have been so much worse then it was... he is always the first person i think of.

wow really got off subject here... so im thanking everyone that has ever been apart of my life. without you... i wouldnt be the person i am. you have helped mold me into the person i have become and without you i wouldnt be me. so thank you

Its been awhile

Well a lot has been going on. i havent been on here in some time so i figured well since im home bound why not.
i just got home a week ago from the hospital. i was at mission for a week and then i was at a rehab faculity for 10 days. i can not feel any part of my body and what i do feel is shooting nerve pain that just seems to want to get worse instead of better. doctors are saying that i might never feel my body again. they dont know whats wrong. all they know is there is nothing organic in my system and that there is nothing else they can do. so i am going on positive thoughts and prayers. which seems to help some days and not so much others. but i am tough so i get by. i am hoping for the best but expecting the worse just in case.
i have my own apartment now. going on 1 year. im very excited about it. love the fact that i can actually call it home. its not very big but its big enough for me. i love it so much. still trying to make it more of a home with pictures and everything but its slowly getting there. so it makes me happy that i am able to do this. atleast until i can find a house that i can really make a home. something i can fix up that i can actually call mine. but my apartment will have to do for now and it does wonders.
which makes me come to the next thing. i have found a wonderful man and after 3 years of fighting patrick and everything that has happened with that. i have found someone that treats me so good and loves me and knows me inside and out. we went to high school together but we just connected as soon as we started talking. we both have had a bad past but it only makes us stronger. we dont fight and when we do its not for long and not very often. we have a lot in common and i love him dearly. he supports me and has been there with everything that has been going on the last few weeks. he met dad and marcia while i was in charlotte and dad said that he is a keeper. made me smile so big. my dad has never said that about any one. he is perfect and so very amazing. God knew that i needed him now and i have changed so much with everything that im so glad that he did. he sent me a wonderful man that i see as my soulmate. we have a lot in common seems like we have everything in common actually say just a few things that we dont. but im very happy and he keeps my spirits high in this time of doubting. i am so lucky i have him here. that i finally found him. that i can stop looking for my person because he is my person. he has never left my side even in the hospital. he stayed all day and when i was in charlotte he came and saw me every weekend. he even came with his mom one wednesday after he had a doctors appointment. his mom is lovely. she is amazing just like her son.
so that is the most up to date i have. but it is heavenly. :) love you all thanks for all the support and prayers. i know they help and it keeps me positive.

Love

You know this year has got me thinking a lot about love and what it really means to love. Different people get different love but in the end its all the same because its the way you let people in. Im not one of those people that do that a lot. ok ok i dont do it at all. im very bad at it actually. But it makes me think about everything. When you love someone and they leave you lose a lot of you depending on how much you really love them. I have lost a lot of people in my life but i have so many that are still around. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Everyone has bad times and trust me im no angel this i know. but it makes me think of why everything happens. why people lose love and why some people are just so great with it. Its that connection that feeling that no matter what happens you know that that wont go away. thats what keeps you holding on. its hard to let go of people when you love them so much. Love is a very strong thing. It helps people in hard times but it also can tear you apart. You have friends that love you and people that do so much more then love. Everyone is different which means everyone that they love is loved different. But its so funny of how you stay on the bad times when something goes wrong instead of the times that are so good that you always want to remember. You get caught up in the fights and the separation and not think about how great it is just to be together. You know i have been thinking a lot about that here lately. with everything that has happened the last few months it really makes me think about how good love feels when you have someone that is real. I know this is going to sound weird but sammie, yes my new puppy, has helped me really get by this bump and be able to live life again. i have other people to thank too. all the people that stayed by me no matter my choice. there are only a few but they are the few that really helped me get to where i am. and they know who they are. but its so funny of how full of life sammie is. she has been abused and mistreated and unloved a lot of her life but she still loves the best she can. she shows it everytime i come home or even when im already home and she just comes and stays with me. it makes you think of how love really is. love isnt the same with everyone or everything but it always has the same meaning. it always gives you butterflies when someone is around or just them on your mind. those small things are the best feelings in the world. its been almost a year since patrick and i got married. a year and almost 5 years since we have dated. its so funny how things work out. in the end its your heart that tells you where to go. now a days people dont really love for the right reasons. they think with their heads and stop thinking with their hearts. thats where love comes from. love only is in the heart. and no matter how hard you fight it you can never love from your head. it just ends in pain. ALWAYS.
You know its true life is stepping stones. No matter how hard you try to choose the path you want if its not the path you are suppose to take its not going to go that way.
So for all of you out there looking for love. Try dont give up its a great thing to have in your life. it makes you alive. and keeps you that way. and for those who have found it dont let it go. even if it means moving on and trying to find it again. dont ever give up. Love makes life and it makes you who you are and who you will become.
LOVE WILL TAKE YOU FAR IF YOU ONLY LET IT..... SO LET IT!!!!